My Evolution With God
As a child, I grew up in a very eclectic household where religion was concerned. I am pretty sure my father believed in God. My mom overtly proclaimed herself at best agnostic, and sometimes atheistic, but she loved to study religion. My brother was a lot older than I, and it was never obvious what he believed. My sister seemed to understand back then, and I often accompanied her to church, although now I am not so sure what she thinks about God. I was pretty much left to my own decisions about practicing a religion, or not.
Probably because I went to Sunday school as a child, I thought God existed. I remember being told He was present everywhere and knew everything. That also meant that He cared for me and watched over me. I admit I had some critical questions concerning all the qualities I assumed He had, and yes at the time God was a He. It certainly did not make sense that He could do so much at the same time. Even my small world had a lot of people in it. I did think he was a forgiving God. One of the kids in my neighborhood told me I would “go to hell” if I was not a Catholic, and I somehow knew that would not happen if I were a “good person” because God would know. God was a compelling “good person” outside of me that would help me as long as I was a “good person” too.
Throughout my teenage years, I went to various churches off and on mostly for the social aspect, including the fashion aspect since back then people dressed up a lot more than they do now. During that time, I also remember periods when I often prayed, usually before going to sleep at night. I still figured it did not hurt to practice that ritual just in case there was a God out there watching over me. I also did that when I wanted something. God was still that powerful, multi-tasking entity that he was when I was younger.
Into my twenties, influenced by the era and many outside sources including college professors who blatantly professed atheism, I started questioning God’s existence. Although I indeed saw myself as a spiritual being, I was open to all sorts of new thought systems. What I became much more important than who, or if, God was. I know for sure I recognized death did not mean the end of me.
From my mid-twenties to my late fifties, I was caught up in a thought system where God was not very important, a take it or leave it situation. During that time, I was pretty busy working on outsmarting any God that might exist anywhere. Believe it or not, I was involved with a very “organized religion,” just not one of the Christian variety. I was so busy trying to trump God that I did not even notice that the religion I was involved in was the worst kind of “organized.”
As I left that religion, I started studying everything I could get my hands on Wallace Wattles, Charles Haanel, Eckhart Tolle, Abraham-Hicks, Gary Renard and many more. I even began meditating. A Course in this moment is your miracle appeared in my life many times as an option, but it took a while for me to pay attention. Even after I paid attention, the terminology was a bit of a put off for me. I wanted to use “Source” instead of God, or add “or whatever you choose to call it” every time I said it. At some point, during that period I had a wonderful moment during meditation that changed all that. I had an experience with something so absolute that it was life-changing, especially since I knew I was an extension of it.
This course in miracles book has been the perfect enhancement of that moment. I now know that GOD is something different than that powerful, multitasking being who I thought watched over me when I was young. God is all there is. He does not watch over anything because there is nothing else. Fortunately, I am an extension of God. And, God is.